How Do You Ask For What You Really Want In Bed?

September 27, 2007 at 4:41 am 3 comments

My boy has a consistent bedtime routine: He brushes his teeth, sets his alarm and logs on to ESPN.com to check his fantasy baseball ranking and the homepage of his beloved Astros. I quickly learned I could tease him about his OCD-esque nightly redundancy, but I could never slight his Houston heroes.

What he liked sexually in the bedroom proved harder to learn.

As a sex columnist and general sexual connoisseur, I was naturally eager to hear exactly what he’s into.

“I don’t know,” he responded, turning away from me in bed. “The normal stuff, I guess.” He started snoring five minutes later.

I remained vigilant but downtrodden. Sadly, because of societal taboos, much of our sexual selves remains cloaked in darkness, lit only by the dim, neon glow of a computer screen streaming porn when we’re alone.

My theory regarding both relationships and sex, however, is that they thrive on communication and honesty.

I asked my boy what he liked not only because I want to please him, but also because it would open up the discussion to explain what I like.

Wouldn’t we both be more satisfied if we each got what we wanted (within reason) out of our sex life? Wouldn’t we all?

Sadly, however, it’s a slippery slope, and many of us are afraid of being embarrassed or judged.

So how do you talk to your partner about what you really want in bed?

Lying in my own bed right after he closed his laptop, I opened up. I discovered that by beginning the sharing, I could both break the ice and set the pattern of acceptance. He quickly followed suit.

While it’s often easy to share your favorite movies or best childhood memories, delving into the sexual subconscious is understandably more difficult.

The boy and I were luckily able to talk openly, and we decided together what to venture into.

My friend found herself in the same predicament when she started dating her boyfriend a few months ago. She decided to gauge her new guy’s response to her favorite fantasy by hiding it in a story about one of her friends.

“Jessica is really into ______,” she slyly suggested. “She is trying to get this new guy she’s seeing into it also. What do you think she should do?”

Opening up dialogue is key, and sometimes avoiding the first person and making insinuations allows discussions to flow with ease. Amazingly, your partner is probably not as dense as you think.

Try renting porn with that particular act or scenario in it. Visit X-Mart. Where better to begin a discussion about sex than in a sex store?

I don’t at all advocate sacrificing your own internal compass or engaging in anything you’re not completely comfortable with, but be open enough to consider experimenting.

The Astros may not make the playoffs this season, but at least now my own sex life is a home run.

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Entry filed under: college, columns, dating, opinion piece, relationships, sex.

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Not My Name  |  December 16, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    I’ve found that the best way to broach the subject with those otherwise too timid, is to simply start a discussion where you and your SO agree to be open about these types of things. That way you don’t have to be coy about what you want (via “my friend is into such and such) and it also puts it in both of your minds without forcing you to commit to saying something right way before your comfortable / accept the fact that you want to do something kinky or course. And there is nothing more motivating to be more open than realizing your spent the entire day visualizing all the crazy stuff thats gotten into your brain since the conversation that you agreed to tell your SO what you want.

    Reply
  • 2. katsu  |  August 24, 2009 at 4:16 am

    Head, no head. Hands, no hands, Finger his anus, gently with a little lube. no insertion. Most guys want it but are afraid of their conflicts of masculinity v. homosexuality (sad). Dom is key, and if you’re living in sexually active G’ville wrap it up at all costs. Party on Gators.

    Reply
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