worth the trouble
I’m in a situation I’m neither used to nor happy about.
I’ve been trying to avoid discussing this publicly because this particular person does have access to the musings I post here. Not sure if they ever sample it, but, I suppose that is trivial.
I am in the throes of having a ginormous crush on a man who has told me he is back with his ex-girlfriend.
I’m not a level headed person by any means, but I’m aware of the situation and have consciously tried to make sure to avoid him and attempted (albeit not very successfully) to not think about him.
Yet almost every night, like clock work, I seem to have a running dream of smoking pot with this person outside under the stars, making him listen to Beatles music. It’s odd because there is no sex involved at all (a usual mainstay in my dreams) but there is a level of intimacy that is rarely ever realized in real life (at least not by me).
This horrid, yet lovely, dream has me dreaming about him in my waking life too.
Obviously I need to move on. Mama always said there is no use in crying over spilled milk, but, when you do still taste the milk and it’s still sweet, how do you mop it away?
I guess what I mean is that unlike other men I have consorted with, this guy is always kind (perhaps bordering on inappropriately flirtatious tho) and has been honest and upfront with me from day one. He’s, gasp, actually one of those nice guys that you always hear about but never seem to meet. The sheer fact that he’s willing to stick it out and try for another round with his girlfriend is even appealing to me. So now, he’s infiltrated my mind, he’s invaded my dreams and he’s inescapable when out.
See, here’s where Gainesville sucks. Gainesville, while hosting 50,000 plus students, is rather small. And people tend to run in circles that make it near impossible to not see the same people over and over again. I see this person a lot. And that’s not going to change.
What does need to change is my attitude. While it’s easy to fantasize about people, if this dude chose to be with her instead of gambling on me, well, then, how fabulous is he really? I completely understand that history is a hard card to trump, but ya know what, I’m worth the risk.
This whole post should be a no-brainer (and I’m sorry for the chaotic ramble you had to just suffer through). But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded (or perhaps just reinforced to yourself) that you too are well worth the trouble. And yes, I use trouble very purposefully there! 😉