the dirtier the den, the dishier the deed

May 28, 2007 at 9:21 am 1 comment

I have this theory that messy people are better in bed.

I try to keep a neat apartment for the most part, but am truthfully only clean when I anticipate getting laid.

For those occasions, my friends know they need to budget me an extra half hour of prep time, at the least, to make my bed, throw all my toiletries into my medicine cabinet and scoop the clothes off my floor into my closet.

My cleaning itself is chaotic. It usually involves making piles and then taking the contents of those piles and tossing them into closets or drawers or cabinets or anywhere else my slobbery can be, for the most part, concealed.

A few months ago I met a man, a cop mind you, who discovered me in my messy closet.

Let me start at the beginning, I had just gone skinny dipping with a bunch of friends (cop man included) and I needed warm clothes to put on. I thought I had secretly slipped into my bedroom so I might rummage through my knee-high pile of clothes hidden in my closet in search of something to wear (yes, I hadn’t done laundry in that long a time). So, I was leaning over the heap when this guy came, shoved me into the pile, closed us into my closet and on top of my messy, smokey smelling clothes mound started making out with me. We were drunk, but something about the enclosed space and the utter filth of it had me all kinked up and ready for a ‘lil filth of my own.

Hours later (and for many hours to cum) we had sex on top of my messy, debatably disgusting, dump of a walk-in closet.

We tried to have sex again a few days later on a regular bed but it just wasn’t the same. I guess he agreed the magic was over too as we only now exchange text messages at 2am, albeit ones about dirty socks and soiled sweaters.

Something about the literal dirt made our romp all the dirtier and ultimately all the more desirable.

Maybe it’s the okayness with chaos? Maybe it’s the lack of anal retentiveness? Or maybe it’s that the type of person who is cool with crap is also cool with carnality? After all, someone who is messy is not going to have a problem staying in bed all day eating leftover Chinese food and canoodling and copulating til the sun goes back down.

My point – sex itself is inherently messy. And no I don’t mean when you’re simultaneously screwing three University Avenue bartenders/bouncers/barflies (although it is a little nerve racking that they all know one another…). I mean that a little openness, a want to get freaky and a willingness to rock out on the road less traveled are all desirable qualities in a bed-mate, or closet-mate as the case may be.

Fucking outside the box is a great thing and people who are willing to be dirty are always the best ones to go there with.


Entry filed under: columns, opinion piece, sex.

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Emily  |  May 28, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    That was very insiteful…lol…you dirty hoe! but I agree fucking out of the box is something that requires a certain personality!


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